Y’all Basic as Hell

You live in a melting pot unlike anything in human history. Globalization has brought nations and peoples closer than ever before. It is a marvelous time to be alive and to explore our social milieu. Here you and I will investigate one of the most fashionable subcultures and discover what makes them tick. Of course, I am talking about Basic Bitches. Who are they? Where do they come from? What does their existence bode for our society-at-large?

Contrary to the gendered moniker, the basic bitch is not exclusively female. ‘Basicness’ extends to both sexes and everywhere in between. The male equivalent to the Basic Bitch is the ever-present Bro. While style between basic men and women may differ, the drive behind ‘basicism’ is the same for both. Before getting into that, let’s evaluate what exactly makes someone basic. Basicness is partially indicated in appearance. A summary of the basic woman’s appearance follows:

• UGG boots . (Heels may be an acceptable substitute).
• Leggings or Yoga pants with sassy phrases like “Booty,” “Pink,” or “Take a Picture, It’ll Last Longer” on them.
• A North Face jacket, often without regard for the weather conditions.
• If you glance beneath the North Face, a shirt with another sassy phrase, or perhaps empty encouragement like “Eat, Pray, Love” or “Reach for the Stars”.
• Impeccable, if perhaps overambitious, make-up application.
• A positive shitload of bracelets and necklaces and they all overlap and holy shit how did you even make the time to pick each one of these out?

The Bro, if it even needs enumerating, can be described as:

• Pretty legit sneakers, bro.
• Those are sick track pants, bro. (Unless we are clubbing, in which case expect designer jeans, bro.)
• Bro that is a boss City Name Sports Team jersey/polo shirt/unbuttoned button-down.¹
• Bro, when you take your fitted hat off, like, I can’t believe how hot your meticulously disheveled hair is.

Additionally, as if they were a set of action figures, all basic folk come with accessories, as indicated by their respective class. Women can often be seen toting a tote with yet another empty and ambiguous statement on it.² They can also been seen with a suitably fashionable designer purse. In one hand there will be, inevitably, a Starbucks latte. In the other hand will be an iPhone. In their concealed third hand there will be a Macbook. Clenched in their bosom is a yoga mat. A bro will always be seen with one of three things – beer, liquor, and/or sporting goods. Also perhaps some woman he is corralling into a corner (though, nobody puts baby in a corner).

Finally, Basic boys and girls are defined by their actions (aren’t we all). A basic bitch can be seen either cackling shrilly, shrieking shrilly, or contemplating the mysteries of an infinite, uncaring universe in the shrillest of possible ways. Approximately 90% of their day is spent shopping, discussing going shopping, discussing consuming wine and shopping, or talking about how they just don’t have time for wine and shopping anymore. Also dudes. Dudes suck. (I would love to know if lesbians have a similar disdain for their other half.) The other 10% is spent earning the money necessary to shop and imbibe various Pinots. I do not know how this is done; more field studies will be necessary. A bro leads a similarly simplistic life. If not in college, they are inevitably businessmen, and they are inevitably entrenched in a start-up company of their design. From their foxhole they shout about Synergy or leveraging assets and how they are totes gonna blow up one day (bro). More importantly, in social situations, despite discussing business and adulthood, the bro still acts like he is at a frat event at all times. He is enamored with the drink, and will drink as much absolutely godawful beer as he can get his (swollen, red) face into. He still keg stands. He still butt chugs. He especially butt chugs. When not chugging, he is inviting you to events wherein one chugs. Watching MMA fights, sport events, and the like is de rigeur, but he still manages to find increasingly age-inappropriate events for drunk time. College parties, teen nights at the local Methodist church, a preschool parking lot, the bro just wants to bro-down, toss the old pigskin, and obliterate his capacity to do rudimentary math.

With these images (irreversibly) in mind, we must next wonder where it is these trends have come from. Well, I say call a spade a spade, and what unites every action and condition of basicism is consumption. A basic person consumes, and they consume in ways that are vacuous and unsatisfying. They revel in drinking culture, in wearing a very specific wardrobe, in presenting themselves in a very specific way. Why they do this lies in the nature of consumption and what it means to be a human being living in a consumer’s society. Consumption is always tied with satiety; the laws of economy dictate that where there is demand there is consumption, and then returns are marginalized as satiety sets in. Therefore, it behooves an enterprising capitalist to manipulate the psychological profile of the consumer to further delay satisfaction. To create a product that is desired forever, that is the holy grail of the capitalist. Everything about the basic person’s image requires re-investment and repetitive spending. Alcohol, coffee, and other true consumables are some of life’s simple pleasures. But what happens when they become part of your identity? When you can’t enjoy an event unless you are pounding brews back like it’s your job, or swilling wine until your heels give out? If you aren’t drinking, you will be ridiculed. If you don’t get that Starbucks, you are a poor, and you do not get to bear the status of one who can buy overpriced coffee with regularity. For women, clothes must be constantly maintained and replaced to follow the intricate trends of the fashion industry. You must eat a very specific low-calorie, low carb diet. As a man, you must similarly (though perhaps less compulsively) maintain a stable of outfits. More so than with women, you must work out to get swole as hell. You must eat protein; be it powdered or in the form of MAN MEALS, or whatever is marketed towards men. Every aspect of the basic person’s life is dictated externally, just like when people were Goths, Scene kids, or whatever subculture you prefer. The difference here is that while most subcultures offer a sense of rebellion, or at least counterculture, basicness unabashedly embraces everything overtly leveraged by consumerist culture.

The strangest thing about all this is that we mock them, since they seem to represent the normative ideals of our society. Basic people are associated with very negative stereotypes: Bros are idiots and basic bitches are, well, it’s in their name. Mocking them suits us, because they seem vacant and purposeless, like an empty shell. We do not see them for the human beings that they are. Does anyone seriously believe that a basic bitch does not weep? If you prick a bro, doth he not bleed? These are people who have a largely identical experience of life to our own, but we “other” them into a group for ridicule and hatred, despite their almost dogmatic, desperate adherence to a normative principle. Why? Because basic bitches represent what we most dislike about ourselves – they are the living embodiment of being disingenuous to yourself and laying down for corporatism. They are living masks, and we can recognize them as such. At least the old sub-cultures had an excuse. You could sympathize with rebellion. Wanting a change, even if it appeared ridiculous or revolting, was respectable, or at least deceptive. Basic people go around wearing their consumerism as a badge of honor, as if that is who they are. They speak as they are expected to speak , they dress and work and live as we expect. There is no mystery or rebellion, they have lost the impulse or capacity for the spontaneity and creativity that we strive for in our own lives. As such, we see the basic bitch and we mock her, as if to say “well at least I am more of an individual than that; I have more style (and creativity or perhaps intelligence)”. Yet you can say no such thing. You wear a mask too, you just don’t flaunt it so openly. Your mask is a true separation of your real self and the self you present in various situations. The basic person seems to have become the mask, and so we are uncomfortable with that possibility being mirrored back at us. If we lose our true selves, we become the clothes we wear, the job we work, the mundane procession of life we are often forced to lead because there is no greater alternative. Life is inherently meaningless, our existence is a mask with no content, and we lament before the abyss. And lo, the sky was darkened, and a tear was rendered unto it, and out emerged a fell black dragon with seven heads, and on the seven heads were seven stars…

Well, life is perhaps arbitrary and meaningless if approached from that particular perspective. That is another discussion for another day. But I choose to see the basic person as one of the most exciting and viable forms of rebellion in our generation, if we take the message they provide to heart. I am not deluded into thinking they do this intentionally, of course, but basicness has a lot to teach us about life. When we see a basic person, we should no longer revel in our mockery or disdain for them. That disdain for them is precisely disdain for ourselves. What we see in them is what the machinations of society seek for us: to be unsatiated in life. To live desiring external comforts and foregoing internal satisfaction. If we are unquenchable and immoderate, trapped in the mode of perpetual consumption, we will always be a source of profit.³ So basic bitches and bros remind us to be, if nothing else, ourselves. They remind us of our biases, that even the majority is a minority, and even what is normal is an outlier. As a society, we see exactly what has been wrought by the actions we condone as silent participants. We are all individuals, and we must construct our own values if we wish to have meaningful lives. The burden of freedom and responsibility is great, and by hating on basic bitches we repress the fear and anxiety generated by that freedom. Instead, we must accept that burden as innate to us, and reject an empty future, lest our society descend into permanent, basic nihilism. So do yourself a favor, and thank a basic bitch today. They are responsible for setting you on the course of freedom and enlightenment. They will one day save our society, and in so doing sacrifice themselves. In fact, give them a hug too. Unless they are wearing yoga pants. Trust me.

1. The unbuttoned button-down reminds me of the Ouroboros; in buttoning it becomes unbuttoned. As unbuttoned it is buttoned again. It consumes itself in this flux, and in so doing it also consumes the wearer. Woe unto those who unbutton their buttoned shirt below the third button, for theirs is a special kind of suffering.
2. A fun game for your next rainy day is seeing how many basic clichés you can come up with, either from memory or creatively: Let your light shine. Don’t stop dreaming. Smile. Hang in there (and there is a kitten, and it is totally hanging in there). The sky’s the limit. (Hey, there’s another one!)
3. I might be giving off a bullshit hippy vibe in this particular discussion. I am not some idealistic 20-year-old who thinks we should like, just give people all the extra money and like, the trees man. I just recognize that capitalism does not offer an external justification for moral action. Any person or entity that embraces capitalism recognizes that the only limit to your action is what you can stomach, and absent a moral drive, profit is best obtained through the deft manipulation of the market, aka the people.